The Food Chain

Here I will describe the only possible relationship between a human and a vampire, through an example. If you are reading this, you must already be on the internet. Create a new tab in your favorite web browser, and go to the image searcher of your choosing. Type into the search bar the following phrase: “delicious food.” Trust me. Scroll through several pages of this food, then return to this page.

            Now that you’ve done that, I want you to capture in your mind how you felt towards the food as you looked at it. If necessary, fry some bacon, I find that some people need an olfactory stimulation. That feeling you have right now, that is how any vampire feels towards you.

            Would you develop an intimate relationship with a hamburger, marry it, and proceed to birth a child with it? I sincerely doubt it (Pro-Tip: I realize that some people would have very little problem having relations with a hamburger, but having a child with one is biologically impossible. So if that is you, please stop reading this blog and go to the following address at midnight: 106, Saint Mark’s Place, New York, NY. I’ll try to explain it better in person…by eating you).

            Now, among the humans there are those who attempt to mock the natural order of things by eating only vegetable and fruit matter. These “vegetarians” have their vampire counterparts. Oh, I don’t mean vampires who don’t eat humans, I mean vampires who prefer to eat vegetarians. They make an argument that those who eat only fruit and salad are far more likely to have strong, healthy blood cells. There are no vampires who reject human blood altogether. That would be simply impossible.

            Let me put it in as simple terms as possible. Vampires eat humans, humans eat animals, zombies also eat humans, and occasionally lawyers defeat vampires. Oh blast. Now I have to explain zombies and lawyers. Look, I’ll explain it later, right now I need to finish up this essay and move on to draining Brenda. She’s sitting in the car…yes, Brenda, I’m coming! I assure you that I am much more excited than you are for this date!

            Get this into your head: no vampire has ever had sex with a human. Ever. Not even me and Brenda. Accept it and move on. 

The below drawing effectively illustrates the Food Chain: