Vampiric Feeding Habits

            For some time now I have been asked how exactly vampires hunt. I will answer this in a manner as palatable to a human (i.e. my dinner) as possible. Vampires drain humans. There, I said it. We use our fangs, which are hollow, to suck the life blood right out of you. And we love it. You do taste really good. But how do we do it? Do we beat you down in alley and lap up the blood from your wounds? Do we trap you in a cage and slowly feed on you over a month-long period until you finally expire in a pool of your own blood, vomit, and fecal matter? Yes, we do all these things and more.

            For the first several millennia, the vampire clans kept very quiet on the human radar. We lived primarily in the rural areas of the ancient world, moving stealthily from farm to farm and slowly draining each member of the house. They usually pinned it on disease, mosquitoes, and of course, “God.” (Pro-Tip: I don’t know about an omniscient deity, but I can tell you for certain that the idea of Satan was based off of a vampire called Sátín, who took great pleasure out of dressing like a red demon) We did not change our ways for at least three thousand years.

            From then until The Nineteenth century, we stayed very, very quiet. Dracula came out, and the streets of London were fraught with humans who would love nothing more than conclusive evidence of Bram and Dracula’s brain-child. We stayed in the areas directly outside of a main city, and haunted the roads for lone travelers. In the end, traveling became almost impossible and a state of fear pervaded Europe.

During the Twentieth Century, with the rise of the industrial revolution, it became easier than ever to feed on multitudes of humans without anyone noticing. All one had to do was buy a large corporation and feed quietly on the workers. No one missed a working class citizen in those days, and no vampire went hungry. Ah, those were the days: an endless supply of food, and pocket money to boot. Such were the days of my youth; my re-birthday occurred on a rainy night in 1926. Sadly, it was not to last.

What with health care laws and lawyers and unions, the corporation strategy fell through. Many a vampire was strung up for multiple murders (all true), and occasionally charges of sexual harassment (unthinkable disgusting, and false). However, hope reigns eternal for the vampires. Recently, the most efficient method of feeding yet has come out: Online Dating Sites. Within fifteen minutes, a new identity can be created, and the system will give you someone to hunt. Miraculous! The only difficult part is coming up with a new name for your profile every time. Frankly, I’ve never been better fed.

There you have it, four-thousand years of people like me successfully slaughtering and consuming people like you. It’s enough to make a grown man cry with happiness.