Fashion of Late

There’s not a vampire in the world who has not made the sad mistake I am about to describe. I once spent a good fifteen hours stalking a man, convinced by the size of his head and legs that the large coat he wore was stuffed with downy feathers. I was grossly incorrect; indeed, the coat was surprisingly thin for the season. This is beside the point. The sum of it is, that I had happily slurped my way through a full two pints of his blood before I realized how disgusting it tasted, how many fatty patches there were, and how large my victim had turned out to be. Enraged, and in no small way nauseous, I snapped his neck and promptly vomited into a nearby garbage bin.

Of course, an even more horrific mistake can lie on the opposite end of the spectrum. Imagine, if you will, that you are a vampire. You have spotted a fine meal for yourself, of mid-ranging size and tender age: the perfect type to contain nutritionally balanced B negative blood (Pro-Tip: Yes, I can tell what blood type you are by smell alone. Each one has a different flavor you see, and I can smell you from across a crowded room, no problem. Mind you, that’s not always a benefit…). You sneak to her apartment and wait quietly for her to enter, after she’s finished her meal at the restaurant you spotted her in. Once she walks through the door, you strike. Tearing through her large coat with your nails, you are just about to bite through the skin when you are confronted by a truly terrible sight. The girl is emaciated, every rib is visible, practically a skeleton. Disgusting! Clearly, you think, she was cast out onto the streets. But, no…she is one of them.

They hide among us, wearing our clothes, walking our streets, and laughing along like nothing is different. Secretly, they are attempting to starve themselves to death by a disturbing process known in the vampiric world as “dieting.” There is no nutrition in their blood, and consuming it can often result in diluted venom and a weakening of our natural abilities. Truly, they are a plague upon our world (Pro-Tip: Don’t think that by over-eating or not eating at all that you will escape me. If I find either of these traits in a potential meal, I generally sever their spinal columns so as to prevent breeding, and subsequently the spread of this atrocity).

However, there is still hope. You may have noticed a certain trend in the clothing world, in which the articles placed on the body are, shall we say, much smaller than one might consider usual. I cannot begin to extol the virtues of this development, but I feel honor-bound to try. It is so wonderfully ingenious, so amazingly convenient, and such a useful convention, that I feel quite simply astonished that it originated among humans.

It has become easier than ever to gauge your victim’s size and level of physical activeness. A mere couple hundred years ago, everyone had those Hellish tunics and robes, but now life is much improved.

The lesson of it all is, buy skinny jeans and leggings. I’ll thank you for it later.