Killing a Vampire

Many people have been peppering me recently with the question: “How could you kill a vampire?” I am very pleased to answer this question now, and in detail. The short version is that you cannot kill a vampire. First, you would need to catch a vampire, an incredibly difficult feat. Our swiftness and stealth would enable us to escape any traps you humans might lay. Then, if you somehow succeeded where thousands o f men have failed, you would have to find a way of surmounting our strength and vicious intelligence. If all of these ludicrous tasks were to be accomplished, you would have only two options.

The first, and simplest, option would be to drain all the blood out of your captive. This could, theoretically, be achieved with needles and tubes, like one of those intra-venous machines you use in hospitals. This, if you managed to do it, would be as close to killing the vampire as you could get, without putting your own life in very serious jeopardy (Pro-Tip: Relatively speaking, of course. Attempting to kill a vampire is literally number three in my list of “the stupidest things I can imagine”).

As I said, draining the vampire would not even be enough to kill him. You would weaken him; truly, he would be almost as weak as he was as a human. But, he would still be a vampire. As a matter of fact, draining him of all blood would enhance his vampiric powers. Confused? Of course you are, you’re a human. I’ll explain, although honestly it should be obvious.

“To be a vampire is to be thirsty.” This is the fundamental truth of our race, and is primarily what defines who and what we are. By this definition, if you make a vampire as thirsty as possible, you make him more of a vampire than ever. That said, his enhanced human features (Pro-Tip: Vampires retain the human attributes of strength and speed despite the transformation process, and these tend to wane and wax depending on how much blood the vampire has consumed) would be severely weakened. His vampiric aspects, however, would surpass your darkest nightmares.

I said there were two options, but as yet have only mentioned one. That is because the other option is almost guaranteed to be suicidal. As opposed to draining the vampire of blood, you could also…fill him with it. If you had enough blood, you could insert it into his bloodstream through a similar apparatus as you might have used to suck it all out. Then, you would probably die.

I return again to the definition of a vampire: “To be a vampire is to be thirsty.” Therefore, if you could satisfy the thirst with enough blood, the vampire would be a vampire no more, and would resume his life as a human. Of course, that would be a very short life indeed, as all of the years he skipped as a vampire would suddenly catch up to him in a five minute time span, likely killing him. However, in the moments before he crumbled away to dust, he would have the power (and more importantly, the motivation), to kill you and everyone else in the vicinity. He would still die…but then again, so would you.

Now, I would be in a great deal of trouble right now, if it weren’t for the fact that these circumstances are impossible to bring about…for you. I shall have to tell you the stories of the Clan Wars sometime. Not now, though. Now, I have some hunting to do.