Hypnosis

Today we have before us a rather uncomfortable topic. Well, it might be uncomfortable for you. I happen to like it. It is time to discuss the wonderful weapon that is Vampiric Hypnosis. Many people have attempted to describe both the process and the effect of hypnosis, but this will without a doubt surpass them. To begin with, you must first understand that hypnosis is not necessarily tied to sexual attraction. That is to say, a vampire might use the “master-servant” fetish that is quite rampant in society as a means to a meal, but it is not an essential part of the hypnosis process. Some minds are best persuaded with this tactic, but there are many other methods that are just as effective. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

A scientist studying the hypnosis process in a personal experiment once theorized that the hypnosis was caused by pheromones produced in a vampire’s skin. He was wrong, though it was a good guess, and I ate him. You see, while certain pheromone compounds can absolutely be used to create a sense of attraction towards you in your victim, they are unstable, too specialized, and ridiculously difficult to acquire. Instead of these compounds, we use a much more natural substance: saliva.

Before you “freak out,” understand that I do not usually lick people to hypnotize them. Usually I lick my fingers first, and then find an excuse for physical contact, such as a handshake or a caress. Depends on the mood I’m in; sometimes I use both. Licking is an excellent method of tasting your food before digging in; I've even seen humans doing it. But, it is a little socially…uncomfortable. So unless I've got you all by your lonesome, you are safe from my tongue. But not my fangs, or my claws, or the strength of my arms, or the sound of your spine as I snap it, or the feeling that you've made a terrible mistake as your life slips from you in a gulping sucking fountain…

Anyway, Vampiric Saliva is an incredible substance: almost as useful as our venom but not quite as dramatic. For one thing, our saliva contains a natural anesthetic, which serves the dual purpose of numbing the prospective “bite-zone,” and also laying the path along your nerves for the second element of vampiric saliva: the capacitor. I don’t know exactly what the Hell it is, but I know what it does. This devastating chemical, this profound exterminator, targets the center of the brain that monitors your restraint and inhibitions. In about three minutes your will is entirely up to whoever is talking to you.

 It never ceases to amaze me. In three minutes, an army general who took orders from approximately nine people in this world (Pro-Tip: Excluding his wife, for some reason. He was odd.) was happy to accept my suggestion that we find a secluded place for me to drain and kill him. “Excellent idea,” he cried, a look of transcendent joy on his face, “I shall fetch the car.” Ah, memories.

I tell you what: if you are interested in acquiring some Vampiric Saliva, I am willing to provide some. I only ask a small price, just a loved one, or even an enemy. I’m not choosy. I just would like them in a metal box and soaking in olive oil. Any takers?